Being taken to a mental health hood In a 51/50 doesn’t do much but teach all of us the tools needed to actually succeed. I been stock piling pills for days months even… my time is coming to an end
I’ll miss a lot of the ideas of what I wished my life could have been
Abuse will always be abuse.
As a survivor I guess I have picked and chosen what abuse I’ll tolerate and what abuse i won’t. I no longer accept black eyes, or being raped. But last NUGHT on Christmas Eve of all times… I realized I’ll still take abuse. I’ll still allow someone who says they love me to hurt me. Ans then I’ll sit thinking how I can fix it or how I can do better. But… i didn’t do anything to really deserve I’ll treatment.
I’ve gotten out of abusive relationship after abuse relationship, just to get into another one with a slightly less abusive streak then the last, but somehow each time ruins me more.
40 Ans I’ve never known love that didn’t physically hurt me, or use me for sex. That included my parents who trafficked me.
This cycle sucks!!
I want to feel nothing yet I’m stuck feeling everything, when I or we with mental health issues say we feel everything it’s not just a flipping statement. We feel the jealous of a dog being touched and wanted over yourself. We feel the anger and jealousy of others ability to be happy. We feel the worthlessness of all the world on our shoulders. We crave it to stop even if it means no longer being.
I am bipolar type1, borderline personality, complex ptsd, depression diagnosed at 8 and long term anxiety!
Today and for the last few days it’s been hard to even wanna love. I have so many dark thoughts I cannot even control them. I’d imagine I should be commuted but, someone who have to pay attention to me to do that.
I feel so lonely all the time even when I’m in a room full of people.
I crave death, I have sense I was little. I dream of the ways I’ll day, i always think about when or how, how I could do it! Maybe if he lucky someone else would take me
42 lawyers turned me down, because they wouldn’t make enough off my case or a case like mine. Fighting to right this wrong was what was keeping me going. Thur depression ans bipolar issues crept in, and now all I can think of is joining my baby. I’ve laid here in bed since thur night that’s the last day I ate food to i just give up really
Almost every Lawyer i have reached out to for what’s happened to me has turned me down, I’m not sure where to go! I have fueled grievances and not even had concerned workers at Kaiser follow up!
1 attorney today made it clear it’s a matter of money! Pain and suffering only amounts to 250k that’s the top out, and so I’m not worth fighting for, but what happened to me, and what has happened at this Kaiser location time and time again is unacceptable in every way.
Background: I was fighting infertility with out their help at Kaiser for 13 years. Anytime I asked for help, I was told I was overweight. When I became pregnant recently at 40 with a documented history of irregular and very short menstration, I was forced to prove my pregnancy was viable, told I was likely misscarrying, and had a rough start with my OBGYN team.
WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE IS GRAPHIC, WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE IS HORRIFC. However I don’t have ANY other way! The medical staff failed me, the legal system and lawyers have turned me away, the grievance and complaint process has been handled On my end, and yet I’m stuck with nightmears, trauma, worse ptsd then i had before and so on. I will make this Public! I urge you to share this and post to and send it to the media. I need help! I need change! I need accountability
On 7/24/2021 I called the advice nurse because I was experiencing light cramping and spotting. At that time I expressed to the advice nurse I was having a high risk pregnancy, and that the Biggest advice my Midwife had was if I had any cramping or bleeding I should call and likely come in. This nurse spent a lot of time reading what she needed to tell me. She then advised that this wasn’t active bleeding and that I should keep my feet up, not use a vaginal insertion of any kind, that she was sending a priority message to my OB office and that someone would get back to me within 24-48 hours. She advised if the bleeding or cramping got worse to call or come to the ER.
On 7/25/21 I went to the Antioch Sand Creek ER because my cramping had gotten substantially worse, the pain was at a 10 or above, I had NO Pain medication, and my bleeding had amped up. I expressed that I believed I was miscarrying, explained I was high risk for many reasons, and also explained that I had mental health issues that I’m unmedicated for because of the pregnancy; because I cannot use all the meds that they give anyway to address these issues.
I met with a Doctor briefly, he told me he would order and ultra sound, and order blood tests for HGC levels. The nurse then came and explained they had NO beds open and I’d need to wait in the lobby, I explained that mentally I didn’t believe I could sit the one the lobby where there where approximately 4-5 moms with little babies and infants, that I was miscarrying and that seemed very inhumane to ask, and that the advice nurse told me to keep my feet elevated. I was worried that I couldn’t do that in the ER lobby, she stated “having your feet up won’t stop this” which felt heartless, and was the advice of my nurse as well as millions of other women who usually experience bleeding early in. I was appalled, and I even requested a new nurse; that nurse drew my blood and repeated I’d need to wait in the lobby, because there simple was no room. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just wait there. I also expressed I was in severe pain, laying down helped that feel better as I had no pain medications. I was offered nothing, not even a sanitary pad for the bleeding.
I waited in the lobby bleeding and crying with babies for approximately 15 minutes but I was not able to stay. It was completely not ok with my mental state at the time. This wasn’t a broken leg, it was a baby coming out of me. I was having what could be compared to contractions and cramps.
I went home with NO aftercare instructions, no pain medication, no info on what to look for or what to do in case things got worse, and I also didn’t understand what my body would go through at home. I’ve never had a misscarrige before.
Before going home I emailed my personal OB and midwife a total of 3 times, and no one from the department is there in weekends to help anyone.
I came home and received one call from the ER about 8 am asking where I was for my ultra sound, I told him I left, explained the situation at which point he repeated “I’m no OBGYN, but I don’t know that keeping your feet raised would have stopped this” and told me to follow up with my OB, I then hung up in him.
Around 10 am, I started passing large chunks of tissue and clots, but some where the size of a golf ball, because I had zero medical attention? The bleeding and pain was so bad that I was crying out like I was in active labor. I had no idea how to help dealing with this, I was forced to turn to Google for help, or send graphic images to my sister in New York so that she could help me understand what was happening. She is NOT medically trained, but was my only medical help for this process. This bleeding and clot passing happened for 7 and a half hours before I started passing out anytime I stood to walk, at this point my children and fiancé had unfortunately had to see me bleeding down my legs, sitting in the toilet with chunks of dead baby on my floor cause I wasn’t able to make it to the toilet, and i was forced to remove tissues from the toilet to then ensure the tissues where healthy. My son was in the position where he had to help me get undressed while my fiancé started a shower because I was unable to stand with out passing out. My son then had to watch me clean up what looked like quarter sized pieces of liver off the floor and help his step dad get me into a shower.
After 8 hours of trauma, torture, and the worst pain, I was aware I’d lost too much blood as I couldn’t stand long, I was having symptoms of passing out/fainting. I was unable to walk 20 steps before the blood would reach my feet. I asked to be taken back to the ER here in Antioch at Sand Creek.
I was met by the same triage nurse who saw me in the morning which I thought would be helpful. I explained that I was now passing huge pieces of tissue and soaking through a large pad every twenty minutes or so, and that my children had seen this. I felt I must have a DNC, at that time he expressed that I would need to wait in the lobby, they where full. I asked why I needed to wait in the lobby and told them that I was bleeding way to much to sit at home without bleeding everywhere and leaving a trail.
He told me they had No beds. I asked if I should go to another ER, he said no, I said I couldn’t wait in the lobby, and asked if it was possible to call 911 from the parking lot. He said it wouldn’t help this situation wouldn’t call for that and there is no room. I asked why my partner could not be with me as I waited in the lobby, he said my partner wouldn’t be allowed with me until they found me a bed.
I explained again that I was hemorrhaging to death, how was this medical care? He then raised his voice and said “you’re not hemorrhaging to death” I got up and left the ER and went home, at which point I was so concerned I might pass away from the clots that I made plans, and had conversations about if I passed away, who did what, who needed to do what, etc. A very horrible and different conversation then I should have to have when I’m having a miscarriage.
7/26/21 I woke up and was forced to insert my fingers into my vagina and then pull something out that wouldn’t dislodge in its own, it was firm, and large. It was horrible, and this whole experience has made and already difficult time, for someone who caught infertility for 13 years, to end up losing the pregnancy was much worse, and something I’m not sure I’ll be able to heal from ever.
I decided to start the grievance process when talking to a medical assistant who called me to follow up on the weekend info, that medical assistant made an apt for me with an OBGYN, got me a new Doctor, and forwarded my info to the manager of the OBGYN
Around 11 am the manager called me and I explained the story above. At the end of that conversation she told me I should file the grievance, and that if it was her she wouldn’t be quiet either. I expressed that yesterday 3 other women told me they had similar experience with ER during miscarriage at the same location. She expressed she would be looking for legal help as well, that the choices and decisions of the whole team did put my life in danger, and did not acknowledge the irreparable damage and trauma of the situation, not just for me, but for my entire family as well.
My new obgyn was able to obtain all the pictures and details for each picture and add them to my file, she verified that the last thing pulled from my vaginal canal was the fetus, and that I was indeed hemorrhaging. At that apt it was verified all things have been passed. I was given meds to stop the bleeding as it was still too heavy,
I have had nightmares, inability to connect with my family since this happened, every-time I close my eyes there are images I cannot ever unsee, that doesn’t even touch what some of my family experienced. Kaiser didn’t provide me any help, or bedside manner, they have a motto that they take care of patients Like they would their own family, that didn’t happen.
